Thursday, October 18, 2007


Life before marriage and children was carefree. I had no fears, you could send anything my way and I would attempt it. I was not scared of flying, surgeries, car accidents, etc.

Now I am total opposite. When me and my family went to Kansas City, we of course booked an airline. I was nervous from the start. Isabella and Abigail were going along and they had never flown before so I was worried about them, and then of course Nick and I. We boarded the plane and I was a mess. Abigail only wanted me and Isabella was in the seat next to me and Nick was across the aisle. Isabella was fascinated, she really was a trooper for a new experience. She must have asked a million questions. I was having serious anxiety though and could not focus on her, I could not answer any questions. When we took off is when I became very tense, we were taking off through a Tropical storm so to say it was bumpy would be putting in nicely. We would being to increase our height only to hit an air pocket and free fall a hundred feet. I began to feel like I was going to throw up, I got my bag out and was fearfully trying to breathe deep. I do remember Isabella saying at one point "wheeeeee this is like a roller coaster". This continued till we reached our destination. Our flight attendant (although having to stay buckled himself most of the trip) was very nice to me and could sense my rising fear. He checked on me a few times and even made a call up to the pilot to see how much longer we had (yes I was acting like a child)....are we there yet? Anyway my point is I thought at first my fear was because I had not flown since 9/11 and you know it was just scary. Then my thoughts shifted to, maybe my fear is because my whole family is on this airplane. Well now I have a new theory. If you have been reading my blog you know I am having surgery in the morning, and I am really scared once again. I think my fear is not of the actual task...but that I am in no control over the situation. I am handing over my life to someone else. I am not sure why this is what it is? I think after having children you are in control of so many things, like their lives and well being. You take care of them, nurture them. You automatically assume this responsibility over every aspect of their lives. They count on you to be there, and not just me but Nick also. He is such a wonderful, devoted father. Not like any other I promise. He is always there for them, he takes the girls on dates, he rearranges his schedule if something comes up and they need him. He is there for physicals...and not because I can't take them, but because he wants to be there with me and them. He has no qualms about having the girls by himself, he is not afraid to step up and do what it takes. All this without any guidance from me. It is like second nature to him to have girls. I do know if anything ever happened to me, they will be in the best hands they could ever be in. There is just something about not being in control over a situation that really freaks me out. What scares me the most is not the actual incisions, but the anesthesia. I mean you are given a dosage that actually knocks you out with no recollection of several hours. That is just so foreign to me. Again, no control. Anyway, I am sure I will be fine, I am sure my doctor does these surgeries all the time. I will leave now with some pics of my princesses.

I love this pic, they are both smiling and loving each other at the moment.

This is what happens when you say "give me the look" it is hilarious. I didn't quite capture Abby's full look, usually her eyes go a bit more down. So funny.


Lisa said...

I hope everything goes wonderfully! I'm sending a prayer your way right now. I think God sends little messages our way to remind us that we indeed are not in control. I know that is hard, as it is something I too struggle with....but just pray and know that God will be right there beside you and that HE is in control!!!

Lisa said... prayers are with you!! I'll be going through gall bladder surgery on Wednesday next week, so I can totally sympathize. I know how you feel about the anesthesia...I feel the same way. Please stop by the Beach when you can and let everyone know how it went. I will, of course, check back here each day as well. **HUGS**